Absolutely, definitely, NO DEAL

Have you ever wondered what your parents really think of you?

I got an email yesterday from my dad, "Mum wants you to fill in an online application form for her to go on Deal or No Deal". Now, my parents don't have a computer in their house so my dad has to use the one at the library, so this wasn't an unreasonable request. Apparently.

So I logged on to the website to start the form-filling process, on behalf of my mother:

Name. Check.
Phone #. Check
Address. Check.
Date of Birth. Quick calculation. Check.

But then the questions got a bit more tricky:

Tell us about yourself (up to 50 words)...
...and in one line?
How would your friends/family describe you?
If you were an animal, what animal would you be and why?
Write a 4-line poem about Deal or No Deal

Now, how am I supposed to answer these questions? So I 'phoned home' and the conversation went thus (after the usual pleasantries):

Me: I can't answer these questions, I'll need to print them out and send them to you so you can have a think.
[muffled discusssion]
Dad: Mum says you can do it for her.
Me: No, I really can't. They want to get an idea of your personality. She'll have to write her own answers.
[more discussion]
Dad: Mum says you're better at those things.
[more discussion]
Dad: Ummm, she says you're ... ummm ... very ... creative.
Me: Is that what she said?
Dad: Ummm ... what?
Me: What did Mum say?
Dad: She said you're full of s**t.

Nice. Thanks.